“Putting myself out there” has never been the issue.
I’ve had more blogs and taken more stabs at an online presence than a human child has any right to. The data’s something like 6 Word Press accounts, 4 tumblrs (2 blog, 2 aesthetic), 3 twitters (tweet, delete, repeat), 2 youtube accounts, and, oh yeah, I was a pretty active NeoPet user for quite some time.
“Give it a rest, you sludge monster!” you say, and your point is well taken.
I did. I’ve scrubbed my online presence extensively, I’ve paired down to the bare minimum, I’ve deleted umpteen usernames and relinquished my hold on a number of sites. I’ve gone without cell service, I’ve changed my numbers, I’ve entered with witness protection program (That’s what they call it when you’re not on Facebook, right?). And I’ve done a lot of it because I’m hella ashamed.
My clumsy toddler rampages through the internet left carnage and debris all over my (not-so) good name. “I have the answers to everything and I love to hear myself talk! LISTEN TO ME!” I had opinions to share with all of the people, and an essential component of my opinion sharing was that none of them say anything to contradict me, make me feel bad, or open a dialogue. After all, I don’t want dialogue, I want to be right.
But, would you look at that: I’m back.
I’m humbler, I’m wiser, and now not only do I not have all of the answers, I have none of the answers… I do, however, have fun musings and neat perspectives on typically geek-specific media. Rather than telling you what to think, I’ll just let you know what I think, and I’ll do it about things I actually care about.
Lastly, I’m back on the internet in an unapologetic fashion, because I’m finally at a place in life where I like who I am. I am proud of myself for aggressively chasing after happiness. I love being the kind of person who passionately clings to the joys in life and has no room for toxicity, no matter the cost. I’m happy to let go of the past, even if that is the safe space many would wish to remain. Plenty of humans hate people who put their happiness first. But people also hate change, they hate sodium, things they don’t understand, nerd culture, leafy greens, feminism, recycling, seatbelt regulations, and a host of other truly awesome things. So if I get to be in a category with salty foods and feminist ideology, I think I’m in some pretty good company.
If you’re looking for trouble, you’re going to find it.
Fortunately, the opposite is true. When I started using the internet to seek out geek culture, fandoms, and likeminded women who could come along side me, the floodgates opened.
Meet the Gamer Girl overlord, Sam Maggs, who I reference in my about section, stalk online, whose books I love, and who took me under her wing when I reached out to her. She encouraged me to focus my passions and, once honed in, to be unabashed with my content.
Through stalking–I mean, admiring–Sam, I met gamer, hockey fanatic, Mass Effect lover, Roundup Podcast host and fellow fangirl Meg Smitherman. After disclosing my history with writing and series of self-doubting false-starts with her, I was given resounding support and thoroughly encouraged to reenter the world of pen and paper (or, computer and technology, as it were).
This is what’s awesome about the fangirl community. In a world of tearing each other down, there exist those who want to see one another succeed. These are my people.
I’ve come home.
The New Wave of Out There
So from now on “putting myself out there” may look a little different.
It’s no longer an effort to make the world conform to my brain waves, and it certainly isn’t for everyone. However, if your best friends are space aliens, you’ve spend over 400 hours on a game console, or if you’re dying to find out how Kvothe went from King Killer to mentor of Bast and incognito inn keep, you’ve come to the right place.
The brand is here, and boy, is it geeky.